I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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