Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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