I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize