I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
