Jerry, you need to find god
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
it glows. i had to have it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
