I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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