I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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