His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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