I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
