Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
