I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
