We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
