she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
