He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
50% drunk capacity currently
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
