Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
