we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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