toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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