There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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