even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
