Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
