I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
