alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
