fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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