Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
