meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
