I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
