I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
