dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
