how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
