I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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