the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize