If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In other news, I just burned my penis
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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