My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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