phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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