sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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