grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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