im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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