just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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