I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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