I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
