He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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