My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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