Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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