I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
