Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
