I hate your face
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
