Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He shit in the fireplace
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
