and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
