i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
