LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
