This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
