Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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