I accidentally burped into my bong.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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