you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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