You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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