I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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