That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
