Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
