On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
