Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
