i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
