Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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