i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
do nipples grow back?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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